Robert Will asked me how did I feel about being granted a modification of my death sentence – a modification being that an execution date is not lifted, merely modified to another day. In my case, 90 days, or until March 14^th. I told him “I can breathe. I feel relief. But also I feel more determined.” And that’s all I said. That’s all I could say at the time.

The news came to me as I was sitting here reading. I had just received my property back – not having it due to my protesting against my then December 7^th execution date. So, I’m reading – a way I relax my mind – when Jaime (Elizalde) calls out to me, “Hey Egbuna! Hey Egbuna!” I respond, “Yeah! What’s up?!” He says, “Man! You got it! You got the stay! They’re announcing it over at KDOL!” (KDOL radio is a prison dedicated show). I didn’t know what to say at first. I didn’t know if I could say anything. I never knew that I actually looked forward to a stay of execution – which actually turned out to be a modification – I mean. I and my attorney had talked about it probably not a day or two before. So I knew it could be coming. And I’m very positive about the merits of my case. It just felt as if I was under water. Deep under water. Swimming in a very determined manner to reach the surface, and when I did – relief. I could breathe. I didn’t even know I was holding my breath…

After Jaime told me the news and explained how they were saying it over the radio, Robert asked me the question, “How do you feel…?” And after giving my answer, I told my brothers I have to go and give thanks – to God. And, tears running down my face, that’s what I did…

How does one know that he is carrying a mountain on his shoulders? When the mountain is lifted and he looks up and sees it for the first time; I have been carrying a heavy load. I don’t think any more so than anyone here on death watch who has had an execution date. But all of us being different individuals, we express and carry the load differently. Some say, “Man. Whatever. I’m ready to go. I’m tired.” Some may joke, “Heaven or Hell – it don’t matter so long as I can party!” Others may be spiritual or philosophical about it. Me, All I knew is that I had to fight the injustice of the imposition of the death sentence upon me. I could not sit back and act like I was “ok” with any of it. I’m not. A lot of men here and in the world feel that to protest is akin to “bitching” and “moaning”. Needless complaints about things that cannot be changed. Well, that speaks more to the heart of them. And for those family and friends who support such views. And would just rather spend the last few days taking pictures, eating, laughing, joking and crying. Such actions are understood. But do nothing in showing that the process is sick and twisted. This is not a hospital stay, where a person has cancer or some incurable disease. This place is nothing more than a slaughter house. They house us for the killing.

Most men here have never stood up for anything in their lives. Innocent or guilty, it don’t matter. They never have stood up to take a conscious – righteous – stance against injustice. It is bad enough that we are told by our very sentence that our lives have no worth. Well our lives do have worth. And we can better show this by fighting for our lives. By showing through our fight that we are not accepting of this injustice of state sanctioned murder. And if family and friends and supporters urged and supported such a stance, I believe more men would be emboldened to do as I do – protest their execution dates.

I’m no hero. There is nothing extraordinary about me. Nor in what it is that I have done thus far in protesting my December 7^th execution, now slated for March 14^th. What is extraordinary is that many others before me have not done so. Desmond Jennings, “Ponchai” Kamau Wilkerson, Shaka Sankofa (Gary Graham), Emerson “Young Lion” Rudd and Marcus “Juice” Cotton all physically fought. They were gassed, forcibly extracted from their cells and beaten before being killed. Todd Willingham was dragged as he sat down in refusal to willingly go to his murder, into the waiting van that was to take him to the Death House to be killed. More recently on November 16^th Shannon “Big Tank” Thomas added his name to the list of those who are unwilling to give justification of any kind to an injust process. He sat down in protest and forced them to carry him to the waiting van to be taken to his execution. Indignity? Cowardice? I think not. The indignity is in falsely pretending in a “macho” fashion that one is proudly walking unshaken to death. That is the biggest illusion there is. I feel so proud of those who have taken a conscious stance against the injustice of being murdered. They’ve made their final day upon the earth a mark of resistance, of defiance. And in that, there is much dignity. And in that, there is something of which their family and friends and supporters can be proud.

I still have an execution date. And I am still protesting. Because of this I have been virtually locked away in my cell. The administration refused me recreation and showers. I’ve only been allowed to shower upon giving my word I’d not sit in protest. I thank everyone so sincerely who have rallied around me and the other men who have protested in a show of solidarity with me. Of those men who have helped our efforts by speaking out and helping to expose the administration’s retaliatory tactics against us. Instead of turning a blind eye – I thank all of you people who have kept the pressure on the administration and those investigating the administration for their abuses. It has let them know, “The world is watching.” Yet it is not over. So please, stay vigilant. Stay determined. The fight is not over.

The mountain is back on my shoulders - both willingly and unwillingly. Still I bear the burden without complaint. I do what I must. Too few others have been able to have a moment’s relief from the knowledge of their looming death; murder. Yet, they soldier on. As we all must. The stories are here to be told about the struggles and adversity we face - the struggles of Robert Will, Kenneth Foster, Gabriel Gonzales, Andre Simpson, Robert Woodard and Reggie Blanton. All have sacrificed in order to stand in solidarity with me in protest not only against executions, but also the inhuman conditions in which we live. Their struggles are brave. And they are dignified. More men stand in the wings ready to join in our efforts. Embrace and support them as you have us. It is only in our collective struggle can we show the true horror of being housed, then taken away to be murdered. It is only in our collective struggle can we end state sanctioned murder.

Always,

In Strength and Spirit,

Tony Egbuna Ford