Journal Billie Allen 2004

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-May 1, 2004
-May 2, 2004
-May 3, 2004
-May 4, 2004
-May 5, 2004
-May 6, 2004
-May 7, 2004
-May 8, 2004
-May 9, 2004
-May 10, 2004
-May 11, 2004

May 1, 2004

Time...it can be your best friend in this place and it can be your worst enemy. Right now, for me, it's both. I've been waiting to hear something on my appeal and the waiting is killing me. You don't want to rush the courts in case they rule against you because your appeals speed up when they do, but it's also hard when you watch time go by waiting.
My case was overturned back in 02/15/04 and the court gave me a life sentence, but since then the government has appealed the court's ruling. As I sit here now I can't help but wonder how they will rule next. Some people see it as if I've already won, but to me, I can only win if I go home. I guess I'll just have to wait like I've been doing.

May 2, 2004

Today is just as dull as it was yesterday. There is nothing on television and I don't feel like writing in my novel, so after I finish this I'm just going to pull my chair up to the window and look out into the night.
I love looking out at the sky at night. All you see is darkness if you don't know what to look for, but I see peace. The night is my way of escaping all that's around me. When I used to paint I would look out at the sky and I would come up with new ideas to paint. Now it's just a place I go when I want to let my mind go free. That's what I am about to do now.

May 3, 2004

I just checked on David earlier today and he said that he was doing all right. At times I wonder what goes through his mind, knowing that he has an upcoming execution date. I know that it was his choice to drop his appeals but I'm sure he has some doubts.
There are times like today when I sit here at night and I feel like doing the same thing he did. Some people in here feel like he gave up but that's not it. After a while of being in prison you just get tired. All prison is, is separation. You are separated from the people you love, from habits and from life as you know it. Sooner or later you just stop wanting. It's not like you want to stop wanting, but time has a way of making you feel like it's not worth it and that's when death doesn't seem like a bad idea.

May 4, 2004

I should have stayed on Phase One because I'm tired of doing the work they have you do. The work isn't hard because all you do is roll spoons and forks in a napkin. If I didn't need the money I would go back to Phase One today. At times, it just feels like it's not worth the $18.00 a month that they pay us.

May 5, 2004

I didn't go out to Rec this morning so I've been in my cell for most of the day (except for when I went to work). I did see something today though that I haven't seen in a while. I saw a hawk outside. It was a beautiful brown hawk and when it spread it's wings it was a beautiful sight. (I guess you just had to see it)

May 6, 2004

When we were outside at work today we talked about how this place changes everytime someone gets and execution date. I haven't really noticed it until a few people pointed a few things out. I guess that in the back of all our minds we can't help but to think that the day will come when it's our turn. You try not to think about it but that's the reality of this situation. You either get a new sentence, go home or be put to death. It might sound harsh the way I put it, but it's the truth and we all know it. I don't think it's right, but that's reality.
I can't help but think of when I was out and I thought, or rather I saw and heard things about death row and the death penalty. I don't know if I was for it or against it because I simply didn't care. One thing I do know is that from what I did see or hear about the death penalty or death row, I don't see it. Being on both sides I now see the death penalty for what it really is. It's a way of getting revenge. It's really no different from what gang members do when you kill one of theirs because they are going to kill the person responsible. Society doesn't want to see it that way because they feel it's different when you kill under the law, but the end result is just the same. Some people don't see the difference between the two and that's where the problem is. That's just like putting up a sign for the world to see that says it's only right to kill when you kill under the law. It's just my opinion that killing is killing.
I just looked at the clock and I didn't know I've been writing this long. I could keep going but I'm tired. I also don't know how I got over here.

May 7, 2004

Damn, Saturday has come back around quickly!.
I watched this show earlier on television where they were talking about plastic surgery. (that just lets you know how bored I was). It was just crazy for me how far some people would go to be considered beautiful by society's standards.
Most of the poeple on the show were women and they were giving their reasons for why they were going under the knife. Some of the reasons were they wanted a job, to fit in, or for a husband or boyfriend. I was going to turn the channel but I wanted to see all the reasons these women would put themselves under a knife to get something they were born with.
After watching the show I realized that society has put such a high standard on what it takes to be beautiful. It has come to a point now where a person is no longer judged by what they have within and that's where true beauty lies. I can see from everything I watch on television or read, how hard it must be for a woman that doesn't have the so-called perfect body or perfect face to deal with all the pressure out there. I have a little girl and when she got to the age of where she would be affected by what she saw or heard, I told her where beauty comes from, and that's from the heart. We have a saying where I ask her, "where does beauty come from?" and she will say, " I was born with it and nobody can say anything different." My little girl is beautiful, inside and out, but I didn't teach her that to be conceited. I did that to teach her not to judge others and not to judge herself. To me, that should be taught to all kids because when they grow up they won't have low self-esteem.

May 8, 2004

This is a lonely place. All you really have to hold onto are your memories and after a while, those begin to fade. That's what I think about most of the time when I'm sitting in this cell. I can't afford to allow myself to think about this place more than I have to. I really have control of my thoughts and that's where I'm really doing my time. I can see how some people get trapped in their mind where they forget reality completely. For some it's a safe haven, but for me, it's a reminder for what's still possible. I guess you could say it's like holding on to hope.

May 9, 2004

I got a letter from Allan Dershowitz today. I sent him a letter a few weeks ago asking if he could help me out on my case and he just responded by saying he can't.
The reason I sent him a letter in the first place is because he is always on television talking about all the problems with the justice system and what needs to be done. In my letter, I told him I was innocent and I wanted him to help me prove it. What made me mad more than anything was that I wasn't asking for him to take my word that I'm innocent. I told him in my letter that I would show him proof first and I asked him to give me a chance to do that before he told me no. I can't say that he isn't a great attorney because he is one of the best in this country. I just can't understand how he could say no without seeing what I had to show him.
Maybe a day will come when someone will listen and see that I've been telling the truth.

May 10, 2004

I'm out at work right now. We finished all the supplies they had and we are waiting on more so now we are just sitting around talking.
We were just talking about growing up and the first girlfriend we had. It might be hard for some people to believe, that we would be sitting around talking about something like that, but if you could hear some of the stories you couldn't stop laughing. One thing I noticed is how much different kids are now compared to how we used to be. We were saying ow back then we would walk for hours to go over to a girl's house and that was just to get a kiss. A kiss to us back then was like how sex is for kids now. Kids can't really be kids anymore and it's like they don't use their imaginations. Everything now is replaced by money or computers. A lot of us didn't grow up with money, so we had no choice but to use our imagination if we wanted to play a game. I wish I could go back to those days.

May 11, 2004

My attorney has set up a call. The counselor just woke me up and told me that my attorney wants to speak with me. I know that it has something to do with my appeal because we both agreed that he would call as soon as they ruled.
This is one of the hard parts about waiting to see how they ruled on your case. I've been waiting and now that the day has come, I'm nervous. All I can do is what I've been doing and that's to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. My attorney already told me what could happen if I win or lose but I always hope for the best.
(The counselor is making the call so I'll write when I'm done talking)
I honestly don't know what to say right now. I can't say all of the things that are running through my mind because I would fill the page I'm writing with every curse word possible. I guess you can tell from that, that I didn't win.
My attorney tried to tell me that we didn't win or lose because the court just wants to hear the case, but I see it as a loss because they overturned the ruling that was in my favor. It's like I'm right back where I've started. We have a hearing set for September and that's when we should get a ruling but I didn't know that at this stage they could throw out a ruling without hearing the case first. I'm really at the beginning of my appeals so I can't complain, because there are some people that are on their last appeal and if they lose, that's it.
What does make me mad though is that under the law I'm right and the prosecutor even said the same thing but I'm still here. If I win on my issue I would only be getting a life sentence and to me that's not really a win either, but I wouldn't be fighting the clock like I am now.
That seems to be the story of my life; "When things go good, look out, because something bad is going to happen."