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Navigate this page by clicking the links below - A Sparkle in Your Being
I was trapped in the sadness of loneliness until you came into my life, And as intense as the ocean water in a storm.
I took my freshly starched state prison
jeans and shirt from under my mattress. I didn't have real starch, my
starch consisted of hot water mixed with sugar in a sprat bottle. The
pants and shirt looked as if they had been cleaned and pressed at the
cleaners. The hot water and sugar worked good. As long as I didn't get
caught in the rain, if that happen I would be in a sticky situation. I had been sleeping on the clothing for the
last two months anticipating this special day of October 11. On this day
seven years ago, my daughter Akilah Kesi was born. I was incarcerated
when Akilah's mother was three months pregnant. It was the worst feeling
I ever experienced, not being there for Akilah and my now-ex woman.
Akilah was too young to a degree to understand that her Daddy was on
Death Row. I chose her names, names that represented
her character and nature to the fullest. Akilah is a Arabic name which
means: intelligent, one who reasons; and Kesi is a Swahili word name
meaning: "Born when her father was in trouble." It had been at least six months since I had
last seen Akilah. I wasn't involved with her mother, so Janette,
Akilah's mom didn't take the time to bring Akilah to visit me. Janette,
thought that she was hurting me by denying me the opportunity to see my
daughter — but in reality it was hurting Akilah just as much. Her
behavior was infantile — she was trying her best to break off any
father — daughter bond between us. This was strictly done because of
her personal feelings towards me. She was still blaming me for not being
around for them. Janette fails to realize though that I didn't exactly
fill out an application for Death Row. I was only a product of my social
and physical environment and fell into the traps of the false conception
of life. I laid out my clothing on my bed like I use
to do the night before school in my old school days. I made sure
everything was just right, I had shinned my state issued boots every
night for the last week. I could see my reflection on the brown leather
of the boots. After doing a full inspection of my attire, I was content
with the outcome. I started looking at the pictures of Akilah that my
mother had sent me over the years. Akilah was a carbon copy of myself in
a little girl form. Whenever I felt down because of the stress of being
a captive of Death Row, I would looked at all those pictures, pray, and
meditate. I always felt at peace after these three stress relieving
remedies. There are no real words that can express
the love and devotion I feel for Once upon a time I, too, had entertained
those some visions, thinking I My thought tracing my memories of my past
where interrupted when I heard my last name announced over the intercom.
They were announcing my visit. The time had finally come, I brushed my
teeth for the second time before the correctional officer arrived at my
cell to escort me to my visit. " How are you doing, Mr. Davis?",
the female correctional officer asked. " I'm doing alright, Officer
Long", I replied. "And may l inquire of your " Mr. Davis, I am doing well, and I am
happy to see your in a joyful mood today." " I'm always in a mellow mood every
time I see your jazzy self, you know you be looking good. It's a
blessing for me to see you, your hair is always looking proper, your
nails are beautiful, and I can't tell you what that fragrance does, is
it Gardenia? And to top it all off, you have those beautiful eyes." " Mr. Davis you wouldn't be flirting
with me, would you?" Smiling back at Officer Long, in the same
fashion she was smiling at me, I replied, " l wouldn't call it
flirting Ms. Long, I'm just acknowledging your beauty, so you won't stop
bringing a radiance of joy to my small space, with your fine Nubian
self. If only things were different!" Officer Long was one of the few
correctional officers that treated prisoners as humans. She knew I was
flirting with her indirectly. She had let out an even bigger smile
without responding, there was really no need to. I related to her as a
black man would relate to a black woman, without stepping out of bounds
for the sake of her job responsibilities. After I had finished dressing
I had placed ten photos tickets in my shirt pocket, l was ready to see
my baby girl and bring back some memories of us together. Officer Long
handcuffed me and escorted me to the visiting room holding cage. I spoke
to a few of my friends on the way to my visit, they all could tell I was
happy. I was placed into the holding cage number
2. There were three holding cages in that area. All the prisoners had to
strip and be searched before and after their visits. I stripped out of
my clothing for a male correctional officer. Female officers were not
suppose to strip search male prisoners, but sometimes they would do it
anyway. After getting naked as a new born baby I
placed all my clothing and boots through a hole in the holding cage
door. The male correctional officer searched my clothing first, then my
boots. I went through the ritual of the strip procedure, raising my
arms, running my hands through my hair, pulling down my lower lip,
raising my upper lip, sticking out my tongue and then raising my
testicles. The rest of this ritual of inspection required me to turn
with my back to the correctional officer. I lifted both of my feet, then
was required to do three squats while coughing. The final part, probably
the most degrading, I had to spread my buttocks. This was very degrading
but for woman who are incarcerated it is even more humiliating. The
ritual was complete - I got dressed. Once I was dressed I asked the officer
would he place me in another holding
cage, so I could use the toilet. The one I was in didn't have toilet or
sink. I didn't really have to use the toilet — I just wanted an
opportunity to wash my hands after being strip searched. I had just
touched all parts of my body, and though I was clean from showering that
morning, l didn't want to go into the visiting room and touch my loved
ones and eating with hands I considered to the contaminated. I knew that if I had just asked the
officer, if I could wash my hands, he would come up with some lame
excuse to deny placing me in the other holding cage. l knew which
correctional officers were alright and which ones weren't, and this one
wasn't cool. I was handcuffed for the second time that
day, then placed in the holding cage with the toilet and sink. I used
the toilet first, forcing myself to urinate. When I finished and flushed
the toilet I started washing my hands standing to the left side of the
toilet. I was indirectly looking at the correctional officer who had
just placed me into the holding cage. Once I saw his back was turned, I
made my move — I took out two small pieces of plastic I had lodged in
the corners of my mouth by my upper wisdom teem. I quickly put both
pieces of plastic in my left front pocket. Then l got a drink of water
and washed my hands again. I had done it, that had been my main concern,
now I could enjoy my visit with my daughter. I was cuffed again to be
let out of the holding cage. I walked about your feet and went through a
security door hallway leading to the visiting room. The correctional
officer closed the security door I backed up to the slot in the door to
be un-handcuffed. Yes, San Quentin made Death Row prisoners have the
least physical contact with correctional officers and other staff as
possible. It wasn't always like this, I had heard stories before my
arrival on Death row that prisoners used to be un-cuffed when they came
out of their cells, but that all changed so prisoners could have
typewriters. The prisoners were given a choice of being allowed out of
their cells without handcuffs or be given the opportunity to buy
personal typewriters. The prisoners sold out for the typewriters, they
were not conscious of the fact that they were setting themselves up for
more harassment by correctional officers knowing that we would always be
handcuffed before we came out of our cells. I've heard some officers
make some harsh statements to prisoners and myself — knowing that we
had no way of making physical contact with them. One correctional
officer, named I was buzzed through the last door of the
security aisle leading to the I carried Akilah still in my arms over to
the check in booth, where I gave a female correctional officer my name,
letting her know I had finally arrived for my visit. Akilah directed my
over to the area where my sister Rhonda was sitting. The visiting room
was so crowed I hadn't seen Rhonda when I first walked into the visiting
room. I put Akilah down to embrace and kiss my sister. I told Rhonda how
much I appreciated her bringing Akilah to see me today. Rhonda had
already bought a variety of food from the vending machines located on
the right side of the visiting room. She had purchased Burritos,
Cheeseburgers, Bar-B-Que hot wings, sodas and different candles. I told Akilah, " Happy Birthday!"
I asked her what she got for her birthday? l listened as Akilah told me
about the different presents she had received. But she didn't get the
bicycle and rollerblades she wanted. I knew she wanted a bike and those
skates. l could see the disappointment in her eyes. I told her not to
worry, she would get her bike and skates soon. She smiled at me flashing
her pretty light brown eyes -they were just like mine. " Daddy, do you want to play
checkers?", Akilah asked. " Yes, I'll play with you Akilah go
get the checkers and board." While Akilah went to get the checkers, I
told Rhonda I wanted her to take Akilah shopping after they left
visiting and buy her a bike and some roller blades. Rhonda looked at me
saying ," And just what am I suppose to use for money?" I told her don't sweat that, Akilah will
have some money. My sister looked at me knowing I had something in the
mix. She knew no matter what the circumstances were I would be
industrious, it was my nature and the way of life I was groomed into my
entire life. Akilah returned with some chess pieces and
the board saying." Daddy they I set up all the pieces naming them as I
did it, l showed Akilah how the knight moved in a "L" shape,
how he pones moved forward, unless they were taking apiece and then I
explained the Queen, the most powerful piece on the board. Then l had
her name all the pieces, which she did on her first try. This didn't
surprise me, Akilah represented her name to the fullest. I continued showing Akilah how to play
chess, while my sister went to heat up the food in one of the two
microwave ovens in the visiting room. Akilah told me about school, how
she was doing in gymnastics and her Ti Kwon Doe class. She was very
energetic, just like I had been at that age, I had also taken up both
arts. When Rhonda arrived back with the food we
stopped playing chess to eat. I told Rhonda I was thinking about
composing some novels while I was incarcerated in order to attempt to
help the youngsters, so they wouldn't end up in prison or dead. There
was too many youth caught up in the penal system already. I knew my own
story could help save someone. Rhonda thought it was a good idea and
encouraged me to pursue my vision. When we finished eating we went and
took some photos, Akilah and I. Rhonda stayed at the table to continue
eating. The picture line was already long, Akilah and I went to the end
of the line. While we were waiting I squatted down to be face to face
with Akilah. " Akilah, Daddy is going to tell you
something but you can't tell no one but Auntie Rhonda, okay?" I
said with a serious laughter in my voice. " Okay, Daddy ", Akilah replied,
with a smile on her face. " Can you keep a secret Akilah?"
again with a serious but loving tone. " Now you got to be slick Akilah. So
Daddy won't get in trouble with the police." She smiled,
saying," I can be slick, Daddy." I said," Ok, now don't do anything,
just listen carefully, your left pants pocket, I'm going to put
something in it. But don't move, or take it out of your pocket until you
and your Auntie Rhonda get in the car, okay? Akilah smiled again, then
asked me in a low curious voice, Daddy what is it? I'm going to put some money in your pocket
Akilah, so you can get you a bike and those roller blades you wanted.
" Akilah, sometimes your momma can't get you everything you want
for your birthday and Christmas. She does the best to provide for you.
I'm not home to help your momma, and you got to help momma and daddy
both by keeping on getting those good report carts and doing well in
your gymnastics and Ti-Kwon-Doe class. You know we love you very
much." Akilah asked me, how much money was l going
to put in her pocket? I
had to laugh, she was only seven, an already conscious of the value of
money. " Two hundred dollars ", I replied. She let a bigger
smile come to her face. " This money is yours Akilah, you
don't have to spend it all in one day. The money is going to have
plastic over it and it's folded up real small." I told her. I looked around the visiting room to make
sure no one was watching me. When I saw the coast was clear I reached
into my left pants pocket grabbing the tow, one hundred dollar bills and
quickly stuck them into Akilah's pocket. I told her to make sure the
money is stuck deeply in her pocket, so she wouldn't lose it. I stood back up as Akilah stuck her hand in
her pocket, then brought it out quickly. She was happy and it showed on
her face by her smile and the sparkle in her eyes. We had just
established another band between us. "
Dear Daddy, I had fun visiting you on my birthday. I can't wait to see
you again. I hung the pieture we took together on my wall in my bedroom.
I get to look at them everyday. Thank you for my birthday presents.
Auntie Rhonda took me shopping after we left from visiting you. Daddy, I
got my bike, roller blades and some clothes. I'll be happy when you come
home Daddy. I miss you so very much Oh yeah, I still haven't told anyone
about our secret. I love you Daddy. Love
your daughter Akilah xxoo
” I stayed on the bed a long time, in the same position, and kept
re-reading Akilah's letter. It felt good that I had succeeded in bringing my daughter joy on her birthday. Even while
on Death Row. It's like that old
saying," parenting is a life time job
", a job that I will always do my best to honor, no matter where I'm at.
Now that I had achieved
that goal, I had to start
hustling to do something special for Akilah's Christmas gifts. by Gregory Tate
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