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Journey towards death
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-March 11, 2003
I
have decided to resume my journal as I await my execution. By my own
choice, this process will be expedited. For the past year the first
stage of my final round of appeals has been underway. Time drags by and
I wait. For me the endless years of waiting or, what I should say, the seemingly
endless years of waiting have taken a toll on my mental and physical
well being. I'm ready for the waiting to be over. This position
certainly isn't a new one for me. In the past I have on numerous
occasions vacillated over my decision to allow my execution to be
implemented without further appeals. In October of 2000 I came within
eighteen days of being executed because I had waived my direct appeal
and asked for an execution date. Since
that time, the lawyers appointed to represent me worked to find some
legal loophole that would spare my life. They have dedicated their lives
to fighting in court against capital punishment. I cooperated fully with
their efforts, but I've never felt right about it, and anyone who knows
me also knows the reservations and internal conflicts I've had to deal
with on the issue of whether or not to appeal my conviction and sentence
of death. The
truth is it's time for justice to run its course. Under the American
system of justice, that means I am to die by lethal injection as ordered
by the court upon a recommendation of a jury. A roll of the dice, so to
speak, has sealed my fate. Now it's time for me to be set free; death
for me equals freedom from 26 years of imprisonment in one cage or
another. I'm 44 years old and over half of my life has been spent behind
bars. Another
thing to be considered is that for the most part one in prison does not
live; he only exists in a limited way. I don't know what awaits me after
death, but I choose to believe it has to be better than this. Nope, I'm
not suicidal, I'm realistic. For
those who say that I'm volunteering to be executed, I say you are wrong.
I am electing to take some control over when and how I will die, and I
do so with the full understanding that after that lethal dose of drugs
are injected into my veins I will be free of these prison cells. So
before you well-intentioned folks start condemning me for this decision,
consider the quality of my existence, walk in my shoes, and get a feel
for what my life has been. I have written my autobiography, entitled The
Final Escape and it chronicles my life. I am hoping to have it
published soon. When
I read or hear someone referring to me as a "volunteer," I
can't help but wonder where these folks were when Timothy McVeigh
dropped his appeals. I never heard one person call him a volunteer. Why
was that? As
I write these words, my fellow Federal Death Row inmate Louis Jones is
scheduled to be executed one week from today. His clemency petition to
United States President George W. Bush has yet to be acted upon. Lou is
a decorated veteran who suffers brain damage from his service in the
Gulf War of 1991 where he was exposed to poison gases. I
hold out no hope of his actually being granted clemency, but I hope I am
wrong. As governor of This
written record of the time between now and when I'm killed is my way of
sharing the thoughts and emotions as they come. I hope that by doing so
others may have an insider's views into the punishment that is the death
penalty. I came to the conclusion long ago that the most tortuous aspect
of capital punishment is the waiting to die, not the actual act of dying.
To
be continued...
Wednesday,
Thursday, & Friday
The
days seem to be passing by quickly. The mood here is very low-key.
Conversations for the most part are quiet and respectful, as Louis
awaits his move from our unit to the death house, or as they officially
call it, the "execution facility". Most of us here experienced
the same type of environment when Tim McVeigh and Juan Garza were
executed in June of 2001. There
is something unsettling about the cold, calculated process of an
execution in the name of the citizens of the The
Federal execution protocol has every step of time leading up to the
execution, scripted. This Execution Protocol is the subject of a lawsuit
I currently have pending in federal court. Many aspects of that protocol
are asinine, pure and simple. At some point, that protocol will be
posted here on this site for all to see. I obtained a copy through the
"Freedom of Information" act, but it's a reduced copy as the
government are hell bent on keeping parts of the killing process a
secret. We
have been told, that to the extent possible, the execution scheduled for
next week will not disrupt the orderly operations of the institution.......a
sack lunch for the morning meal, no recreation for death row and no work
call that day. Those aren't being considered as interruptions, only
normal routine as the killing machine marches forward.
Saturday
& Sunday
This
has been a typical weekend in many ways here on the row. The only
exception being that "death" is looming nearby and it's almost
as if you can feel a physical presence. There was a religious service
with a large turnout, each man feeling the pull of Louis' scheduled
execution. Each of us lost amongst our own introspection as the hands on
the clock tick off the minutes. None of us knows for certain what lies
ahead, when or if we will be on deathwatch and then take that final trip
to the death house. Louis
Jones is a man of great faith and he sung hymns of praise last night. In
his words, "No one can take away my faith or my joy, no matter
whether they kill me or not, Lou Jones has been forgiven and he is going
to be with his savior. He spoke in the third person, with conviction and
forgiveness for those charged with implementing his lethal injection. He
has shown an amazing strength. I cannot say that Lou and I are the best
of friends. We are only acquaintances, brought together to this time and
place because we both have committed acts of murder. On
July 13, 1999, twenty men from across the The
local news media dubbed us "The Terre Haute Twenty," with most
of the attention focused on Timothy McVeigh, the convicted Between
then and now, I've had hundreds of conversations with Louis Jones. We
are as different personality-wise as night and day, but our common
causes bound us as we debated politics, the justice system, financial
programs and many other issues. Now,
only in a few hours, they will come and take Lou out of his cell, which
is just below mine. He will be escorted out, put through a routine of
searches, placed in the prison van and driven away to the Death House,
some Those
of us here will deal with all of these events in our own way. We plan to
carry on a tradition started by Lou when Tim McVeigh and then Juan Garza
were executed. That is, the singing of hymns. Between 6:30 and 7:00 am,
we will remain silent and as the time for Lou's execution approaches, we
will go to our cell doors and sing "Amazing Grace", "It
is No Secret What God Can Do" We will then pray together in between
songs. This will be a prayer written by Lou for the previous executions.
"Heavenly
Father, please hear my voice in these hymns, as well as in prayer as I
sing out to you for the soul that will soon depart here. This, I will
pray, in the name of Your Son, my Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen" Louis
Jones 27265-077 I
figure this is a tribute to Lou and our actions can't be considered to
be destructive to the security of the institution. Our unit team has
been helpful in making copies of Louis' prayers and the song lyrics.
They too are affected by executions when they happen.
At
12:35 a.m. I spoke my last words to Louis Jones and heard his last words
to me. They were, "God bless you, Hammer." What does one say
to a man waiting to be escorted away to the death house? The night was
eerily quiet with the exception of jingling of keys and the TV of one
inmate playing with the volume loud. As
the minutes and hours passed, I waited, lost in thought, with the lights
out, wondering not for the first time what dying will be like. Each time
the doors leading into and out of the unit were buzzed open
electronically, I rushed to my cell door to see if it was a team ready
to move Lou. I paced the small area in my cell, drinking coffee to stay
awake, and waited. At
3:01 a.m. a unit staff member accompanied by two officers approached
Lou's cell. After a brief exchange, Lou was strip searched and told to
dress in the attire provided to him, one of the items being a fire
engine red jumpsuit with snaps down the front. Then deck style canvas
slip on shoes for his feet. He was restrained by the officers, and then
without incident, Lou was taken away. The clock read 3:13 a.m. A
normal day's routine then followed. Recreation and work call for those
on phase two. At noon and at 6:00 p.m. some of us sang "Amazing
Grace" at our cell doors. This too is a tradition begun by Lou
prior to the McVeigh and Garza executions. Bruce Webster has a beautiful
singing voice, and he could be heard clearly singing the hymns. There
was a bare minimum of TV news coverage of the pending execution on the
newscasts Monday and Monday evening. At
midnight, I lay down and slept until 4:00 a.m. The TV news was devoted
entirely to Bush's 48-hour deadline to Saddam Hussein. Most of us
watched Bush's televised speech the previous evening, so these repeats
were old news. Breakfast
consisted of a sack lunch containing two boiled eggs, two packets of dry
cereal, a pastry, an orange, and milk. This was served at 6:20 a.m. I
waited for the 7:00 a.m. hour at which time Louis Jones was to be
executed. Beginning at 5:30 a.m. the two local TV stations had broadcast
live updates from outside the prison. This was in stark contrast to the
hundreds of journalists covering the McVeigh execution in 2001. There
was absolutely no national news coverage of Lou's execution. In the
words of one local citizen who had been interviewed the evening before,
"He's no Timothy McVeigh." At
7:00 a.m. as various staff walked the tiers outside of our cells, Bruce
Webster sang the two hymns, and in a building not far away, Lou sang one
of the same songs as he lay strapped to the gurney. Minutes later it was
over. At 7:25 a.m., I heard the official announcement during a local
news update. Fifteen minutes later, I fell asleep with a wish to never
awaken. Not because I was such a close friend with Lou but, rather,
because of the waste, the expense, and the loss of another human life.
The process is as cold and calculated as any murder ever committed. Call
it what you will, killing to teach that killing is wrong is insanity,
pure and simple. An afterthought: The
staff here were respectful and professional throughout this even. One
inmate friend of mine said, "David, I almost wish they would beat
me or something. When they're so fuckin' nice, it's impossible to hate 'em.
Know what I mean?" Although I knew exactly what he meant, my
response was, "They're just doing their job." A lame excuse,
but what else could I say? The overall mood has been very subdued, each
man here dealing with this situation in his own way.
It's
as if the events of yesterday never even happened. The normal routine
here on the row has resumed. It's as if most of the guys don't even want
to think about Lou's fate for fear that to do so may hasten their own
departure from this world. A couple of my fellow death row inmates have
commented upon the fact that we shouldn't be sad or blue, for Louis is
home in heaven now. Still others are angry and afraid. There's a
noticeable difference in how each individual here deals with the
aftermath of an execution. For those who hadn't experienced being here
for a previous execution, there seems to be a need for them to verbalize
their feelings and emotions; whereas others are much more introspective.
It
is my personal opinion that no one connected to or involved in this
thing which is the death penalty remains unaffected. I noticed this last
night as I watched a local newscaster (who witnessed Lou's death) talk
about his own view on capital punishment and how conflicted he is. He
spoke of "being moved to say a prayer for the man's soul" as
he watched him die.
My
every minute seems to be spent watching around the clock news coverage
of the war in I
totally support all of our troops. They are brave men and women doing
the job demanded of them. Some have already paid with their lives. I
pray for them all. Having said that, I can only hope there is a very
special part of hell reserved especially for people like George W. Bush,
Donald Rumsfeld, and Saddam Hussein who thrust their people into war.
This
week has been rather uneventful here on the row. The only major change
is that of the quarterly rotation of officers working the unit. This
changing of the guards, so to speak, always brings with it a certain
amount of apprehension. Officers are allowed to request their job
assignments within the institution. These positions are then filled
based on seniority and experience, at least that's how the system is
designed to work. For
the most part, these officers are decent and they treat us fairly and
with respect. However, there are the exceptions who just can't help
being a$$holes. One such guy is Officer Lumber (not his real name). He
is a rather short man, hefty around the middle and has a bald head. He
has a tendency to cause petty hassles every time he is assigned to work
this unit. This week was no exception. It is obvious that he possesses
the all too familiar Napoleon complex, attempting to compensate for his
short stature with a sharp tongue, big mouth and an overwhelming need to
assert his authority. In short, he's miserable and wants all around him
to suffer accordingly. He is a staunch supporter of the death penalty
and expresses his views, even to those of us under this sentence. This
man is a right-wing conservative with (by his own accounts) a large
stash of guns. He has, on occasion, joked about "going postal"
and killing all of us here. I don't take his joking seriously, mainly
because I've known cowards before who hide behind their badges or
positions of authority. In my opinion, this is such a man, and I use the
term loosely in this instance. Working
on this unit must be a plumb assignment, because lots of officers apply
for it each roster. Usually, these officers are just here to do their
job and they act accordingly. One bad apple really can infect the whole
bunch. Officer Lumber is one such apple. I've learned the hard way to
ignore him and to have as little interaction as possible. He has been
known to create a situation and then file bogus incident reports to
cover his ass. Fortunately for us, the prison administration here is
aware of his tactics. He will likely be working on the unit for months
and months to come, so an already stressful situation will be worse. All
in all, those of us here are all doing fine. The loss of Louis Jones to
the executioner last month still looms large, but no one speaks of this.......out
of fear.........and wondering about what lies ahead. I'm not sure.
I
spoke with Chaplain Roof yesterday. He told me about his recent trip to "Yeah,
I know, Father Roof and Harley Lappin has Timothy McVeigh and Juan Garza
to thank for his ticket to a fast-track promotion." He, at first,
didn't seem to comprehend my reply and then I saw his eyes and it
registered with him that Harley G. Lappin, as warden here presided over
Tim's and Juan's executions. He was promoted to a Regional Director
position a few months later. Now, less than two years after those
executions, he is the top dog. Who says that killing to reach the top
isn't a good idea? Obviously, it has worked well for Harley G. Lappin!
Now, isn't that special?
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