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Letter by James Lee
Dearest
Reader, Hopefully
this will find you and yours all in the very best of health and
spirits!! What you are about to read is actually a letter that l wrote
to a loved one during an extremely emotional time for me!! After pouring
myself out onto the pages like that, l firmly believe that when we are
at our seemingly weakest, that it is then that our true strength rises
up to carry us through all life's obstacles, if only we have the vision
to look within for the answers!!
J Actually
l don't normally do this sharing letter stuff; l like my letters to be
original and personal when l write someone!!
Yet I’m at a stage in life where l have something to say to the world
at large, so l plan to write a few inspirational pieces and send it out
to the world as if l were on an island sending out an S.O.S. in a bottle. If
you take the time to read what I’ve written and if you have an opinion,
a thought or anything then I’d love to hear from you!! It doesn't
matter if you are for or against the death penalty; black or white or
green; male or female, etc. This is simply to share with you the mindset
of an inmate here, guilt nor does innocence have any hearings on
survival!! My goal is to inspire you the reader to not forget those of
us who have fallen through the cracks of life, for whatever reasons!!
Please don't give up on us simply for our mistakes in life, for we are
still human and that makes us part of the same species as you!! To give
up on us, is to give up on our race and future; that in my opinion is
the first step of extinction!!
Please read on with an open heart and mind...enjoy!!
J
Now the
letter... As for myself l can't complain too
much, at least l have you to spend the time with today, so that means
it's a good day!! Actually l was planning to stay in bed all
day, wallow in my misery and analyze my life and how l can progress it!!
But l ended up getting up and writing my mom a letter, it's been months
since l last heard from her, but l still think about her and hope that
she's Alright!! Then l went and
took a shower and it managed to wake me up a little bit more!! My buddy
came back from visitation and we ended up talking awhile, but now I’m
here with you and I’m glad!! The other night
l watched this documentary on "Lewis & Clark" and the
journey that they made!! In recent years history has been growing on me,
but all this was both new and fascinating to me!! l don't know if
you know much about them or not, but they were the first men of their
kind to travel west of the Mississippi river and explore the land that
Jefferson had bought to be the other half of the United States!! They
wrote Journal to describe the land and weather for Like l said, all
this was new to me, so l learned a lot from watching the show!! l was
lying in bed last night comparing my journey to the one that they made
coz they were the first men of their kind to be seeing these things!! They didn't know what to expect in
anyway!! When they confronted the grizzly bears
they didn't know to fear it coz they had guns, and they were amazed when
the bears kept coming for them even after being shot several times!! It reminded
them that they were men in a foreign land!! Often when
describing myself, l refer to myself as a man in a foreign land!! My
world is so sooo much different than that of the free world!! How can l
expect society to understand me?? l never knew what to expect as l began
this journey, l had never been through a jury trial before, l had never
been to prison, or even heard what life on death row was like!! However
l didn't fear this journey, l just simply saw it as something else that
l must deal with and survive, by learning through experiences!! Even after all this time, it's still hard to predict the next day, coz you can't be certain what this
world will throw at you the next day!! In here there
are inmates on medication and others who are just unstable; and there is
no going home to get away from them or to be alone!! l can't get away; l can only deal
with whatever comes my way!! You must learn to live with them and
whatever they choose to do day in and day out!! The prison officials are
just as unpredictable as the inmates coz they don't always follow the
very rules that they themselves create!! Nor do they always do the jobs that
they are getting paid to do!! At times it seems as though they go out of
their way to do whatever they possibly can to make our lives as
miserable as they possibly can!! Imagine how all this affects those
unstable inmates l spoke of?? No one can predict how they will feel
tomorrow, and it isn't certain that I’ll always be able to stay as
strong as l am today!! Who can say what my state of mind will be like in
say another 2000 days from now?? So l simply take each new day as it
comes, l try to be as strong as l know how to be, and l try to help the
others too; helping them is to help myself!! Personally l think that
understanding is the key!! If you can truly understand a thing,
then you can learn how to better cope and deal with it!! Yet we all have
our breaking points; "Don't fail me now" is both my prayer and
my chant!! The hardest part
is not expecting anything at all, l try not to expect anything from the
staff, the inmates or even yourself, coz l realize that eventually
disappointment will come and when it does come in here there aren't many
things to life one's spirits!! When a person in my situation experiences
disappointment, it's not crying, suicide or anything like that, ifs more
like the spirits dies a little more with each set back, the person
becomes less human and more machine... cold and unfeeling... detached! It just reminds me of where I’m at
and of my situation, that the deck is stacked against me and not
for me. . .1 stand literally against all odds... many hear me, but how
many feel me, understand reality as l know it to be?? Although these are
the facts that I’m trapped within, l can't dwell on them and let them
infect me with cancerous thoughts; no, l must hold out hope that I’ll
eventually find that someone out there with the heart full of courage to
help save me from this hell!! Reality is simply present history; meaning
what we do today will shape our tomorrows!! If this is true
as l believe it to be, then reality can be shaped and molded; bent to
the will power of the courageous heart!! © So no cancer
thoughts for me; l recently read that cancer is simply unregulated
growth that eat ifs host!! In prison one must constantly examines his
thoughts, guard them well, for he will live and die by them!! Yet I’d rather
have the worst feeling than no feelings at all!! Like William Wallace, l
too dream of freedom, not just physically, but also spiritually and
mentally as well!! l think ifs so sad when l see those who can't feel at
all, like a dead man walking and l pray l de long before that happens to
me!! If l were to ever become cold and stale like that, l don't know
what I’d do!! That's one thing l really fear, I’ve watched many good
men turn bitter in here; having to watch life go on without you, can do
that to you!! l know ifs hard for a person out there to feel helpless
and sit by and watch their friends and loved ones waste away and
possible even die in a hell they can't save them from!! l can easily
understand how that can turn anyone away, but how are we supposed to
feel, coz ifs us being left alone by those we grow to love and
depend on?!? How does it feel to be given up on again and again?? Ifs
more than heart breaking, its life changing in the worst possible way!!
After all. if you can't depend on your friends and loved ones, If l had to pick
my hardest moments on this planet, it would be watching those l love and
place my faith in, lose faith in me and leave empty spots in me that
only they can fill!! Death is easy to face when you're not alone; but
life isn't life at all if
it’s not shared!! So l thought I’d simply share another part of
myself with you, these are simply my thoughts and feelings; and in
sharing them l hope to bring you closer to me through understanding!!
Take care and l hope your life is full of happy blessings!! Until next
time, may all your frowns be found upside down!! LJ
Warmest Wishes, James
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