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-Saturday, February 22, 2003
Saturday,
February 22, 2003 I
have received letters from around the world since being on death row.
It's still shocking to me when I get a letter from a stranger that has
taken the time to reach out to me and let me know that they care. In
some ways, it makes me sad to realize that I thought I was something
like the people that reach out, showing kindness to others. I was
nothing like I thought I was. Fooling myself for so long. But with the
friends I've made and the ones I'll make I hope I can better myself. I
think I've changed a lot since living on death row. I know what a true
friend is. I know what kindness is. I know how I want to live the rest
of my life. And I'm trying to better myself everyday. I'm
thankful to my friends for looking at me as a person, not as a crime. A
lot of people will always see me as a crime, and I can understand that.
A lot of people hate people or things they know little about just
because they can justify the hate or whatever they want to call it. I
know because I was once like that myself. But not any more. I won't hate
anyone or thing just because I can someway justify it. What does that do
for me but make me a bitter person? In short, "It's not worth it."
Life is too short to live like that. Sunday,
February 23, 2003 I've
just been cleaning my cell. I have to scrape the paint off the ceiling
because it gets loose and falls all over everything. So it's better to
control the mess once a month than everyday finding the chips on my bed
or in my cup. It never stops. I scrape it, a month later its back to
where it's hanging loose ready to fall. The
cells are really a dump. They're small. I've been in several prisons in
my life and never realized places like this were still open. I
never would have believed they would hold death row in this kind of
place. Mainly since there is over They
just came to fix my sink that has run nonstop for over a month. It took
10 minutes to fix. I'm glad I don't have to pay for the water. What a
waste of tax payers' money. Monday,
February 24, 2003 I'm
working on a drawing today of a bird. I have some good books on drawing
to work with. Though I can draw without a book, it's always nice to
learn. I've
had books sent back to the company lately because they don't clearly say
"bookstore" or "books" on the package. It's nuts
because the company they returned the books to was the same company we
order our art supplies from for the whole prison, so they knew who it
was. So now I will have my books ordered from amazon.com. They let all
books in from amazon.com. But for the time being I ain't got to worry
because I ain't had any of my friends order any books. They
just came out with the rule that all books have to come from a bookstore
and that if the company doesn't have "bookstore" on the
package, then the package has to have "books" written on it,
or it goes back. So it's nuts. Though amazon.com is OK because it's a
recognized bookstore. I
think I'll draw and clean today. It's a quiet day. Everyone is sleeping.
Wednesday,
February 26, 2003 I'm sure this being the first execution since I've been on the unit will have its effect on me. And all the other guys. I've
never really thought about the mental stress on a man waiting to die.
Lately I can see it. Every day that goes by being closer to the last.
That has got to be hell on the mind. Saying your good-byes to family and
friends. Talk about stress! I've
recently realized how they do the executions. I always thought they put
needles in you. These people cut your leg open, pull the vein out, and
put a catheter directly into the vein. They're nice enough to stitch you
back up. They wrap you up all nice and neat and strap you down, so that
all the people see who witness the execution is a man calmly strapped
down close his eyes. Forever. Take
away the drugs and show it all, from start to finish, and I think the
last thing people would say is it was easy, calm. All they see is a
part, the very end now. Too bad the witnesses couldn't view the whole
execution procedure. But
that is part of the way the government wants everyone to see executions:
nice, easy, swift. They cheat the witnesses from what really goes on.
And that is a part of why it can't be seen in the whole truth. Thursday,
February 27, 2003 I
will be seeing the psychologist to see if I will be in her eyes able to
move to a higher level, where I will have more privileges. I have
thought of whether I want to move away from the guys I've become close
with, and I don't. I don't want the change in my life at this time. So
when I see the board that will decide, I'll make it easy for them and
let them know there is no need to do any paperwork. The friendships I've
built are worth more than any privileges they have to offer me. I've
just finished a portrait of one of my close pen pals, though I consider
him as a friend now. I haven't told him about it. He has not got a clue.
I'll wait to send it to him. The more time I spend working on it the
better it looks. I've tried to do other portraits of some of my friends,
but they send little pictures that are so hard to work from that I end
up trashing it halfway through. The one I just finished was from a big
picture. Though portraits ain't really what I draw. Just sometimes.
Since he is such a good friend, I put a lot of time into doing his
portrait. I hope when he gets it, he truly likes it. The
reason I'm waiting to send it and not saying anything is I've got to get
some large envelopes to mail it so I won't have to fold it. Friday,
February 28, 2003 The
only reason I know how bad the sack lunches are is when they have had
problems on the population side of the prison, where they locked
everyone down. They serve sack meals. This has happened two or three
times in the past since I've been on death row. That is a good way to
make life suck just a little more. Though
I'm smart enough that I'll buy plenty of food from the commissary to eat
that week so that I don't have to deal with the sack meals. I've
learned that if I want to get anything done, it's best that I leave my
TV off. For some reason, it calls to me when it's on. So I've left it
off a lot lately. My radio has a way of letting me concentrate more on
what I'm doing. So I'm listening to my radio more and more each day. And
when I'm writing my friends or journals, it's really helping me get done
without any distractions
June
1, 2003 David
Hammer received seven violations in, like, a three week period.
“Running a business” was cited in two of them, the business being
this website. He was also written up for calling the guards as he saw
them. I had to stop some of my journals from being posted. I guess we
can’t or ain’t supposed to call the guards for what they really are.
They took over a month to hold a disciplinary hearing on the violations that David received, so I stopped writing during this time. All of the violations , except the ones about running a business were thrown out. David was put on phone restrictions for six months The violations have stopped, for now. Though, I really could care less if I get a violation over this website. They won’t ever shut it down over repeatedly writing violations. I haven’t gotten one violation since I have been on death row and I’m not really worried about it because I’ve got better things to worry about. If I get a hundred violations over this website I’d still be here and it really means nothing when you look at the big picture. But I wanted to see just how it played out with David’s violations. Plus, there were other reasons, too My
income was at an all-time low. For several months in a row. If it was
for just a month then I could have lived with that, but it was for
several months and it took it’s toll. I really couldn’t keep writing
and mailing journals to the webmaster. So, the lack of money played a
big part, I stopped spending money on everything. Lately I have received
money from several friends unexpectedly and I am doing much better, so I
decided to start writing these journals again.
June
3, 2003 The
nut living below us has been quiet for a long time. It’s really like
he’s not actually there. They had to split recreation in half because
too many guys were on phase one, so they had half of us go out in the
morning and the other half in the evening. It rotates. But the nut was
not on the half I go out with, so it was like “yes!”, I haven’t
seen him in a long time. This can change soon when some more guys go to
phase two from phase one, we will then have enough cages to do
recreation in one group. It’s kind of funny that five out of the six
whites on death row are on phase one and will remain there, well, maybe
one white could go to phase two if he wanted. There
is, I believe, seventeen black guys on death row. Only one of them is
trapped on phase one and he wouldn’t want it any other way. Heck, he
hasn’t gone out to recreation in three years. He comes out and takes a
shower, that’s it! So, it doesn’t add up how they keep the whites on
phase one, it seems funny to me. But really, I wouldn’t want to move
into phase two, not when all of the whites are on phase one. That might
sound racist, but it’s just that I lived on phase one all of this
time. I know all of the guys around me “ain’t” many, so change is
not really something I want and there’s nothing to gain by it, anyway.
June
5, 2003 I had a hearing back in January on my direct appeal. The 8th Circuit hasn’t ruled on it yet, they should make a ruling any time. It won’t shock me any way they go. The
weather will be getting hot soon. If it’s like last year, it’s going
to be hot. I will be buying a new fan soon and a half gallon ice chest.
There really is not much of a way to get out of the heat, so it’s just
doing the best we can with what we have.
June
6, 2003 My bed is a concrete slab, believe me when I say it has no give at all, just a big block of cold concrete. The mattress isn’t like a twin mattress you would have at home, they’re thin and hard, covered with a plastic that’s designed not to fall apart. This mattress is not comfortable to sleep on. I’m
used to sleeping on my concrete bed, it doesn’t bother me at all, I
mean, I wouldn’t jump in the bed, that’s for sure, wouldn’t be
hard to break a bone diving on my bed. Am I complaining? Nope. Just
talking about how lovely my bed is. Too
bad that the people who like to talk about how good prison life is,
don’t try sleeping on concrete for a couple of years. You can bet that
anyone who spends a little time in a super max on their own, meaning no
protection from the guards won’t ever talk about how nice it is to get
three free meals and a cot, ever again. Most
of the guys in prison got put there because they did something to
deserve being locked up. I have no doubt that I BELONG in prison, I just
think it’s funny when people do nothing about prison life and speak on
it as if they do. I like to think and imagine how they could change
their views if they were in a real prison, wouldn’t take long for
anyone living in prison to change their views. But,
hey, it’s just life that people like to hate people they don’t know
and then some people reach out to even what society calls the worst. I
always go back to, if there is a God, what would He do? How would one
try to have God look at his views when standing before Him?
June
7, 2003 Where
are all of the weapons that posed such a big threat to Jr.
Bush talks a big talk. He should go after It’s
not too late for the
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